Not perfect, just present: Talking with God

If you remember ‘saying your prayers’ as a child – or even as an adult – but without much sense of God being involved, your prayer life started in the same way as Ruth’s … and she’s now the director of a spirituality centre! So what changed, and what has she learned that she now shares with the people she accompanies on their spiritual journeys – and with listeners of Things I Wish I Knew?

For many people raised in religious households, prayer was something learned by heart, long before it was ever felt in the heart. It was often done out of obedience, a string of words recited with eyes closed and hands joined. While this form of prayer has its place in shaping early faith, it can also leave adults searching for a more personal connection with God. In the busyness of life, or in moments of doubt, many find themselves asking: what is prayer really supposed to be?

Ruth Holgate, Director of St Beuno's Jesuit Spirituality Centre in North Wales, has accompanied many people exploring just that question. Drawing on her experience as a spiritual director, she reflects on how often people come to prayer feeling uncertain, inadequate or discouraged. The good news, she says, is that prayer does not need to be perfect to be real. Nor does it require eloquence or expertise. At its heart, prayer is a relationship, a natural, ongoing conversation with a God who meets us where we are.

This understanding of prayer becomes clearer in Ignatian spirituality, which has shaped Ruth’s own journey. Growing up in a Catholic household, she recalls prayer feeling more like a duty than a dialogue. It was only later, during youth retreats, that she first experienced prayer as a relationship, something deeply personal, freeing and joyful. That shift became foundational, eventually leading her to study theology, train as a spiritual director and now guide others in their own encounters with God.

One of the central tools Ruth draws on in her work is the discernment of spirits, a practice rooted in the Spiritual Exercises of St Ignatius. It helps individuals learn to notice where they draw closer to God, and where they may be moving away. Not all thoughts, feelings or impulses are spiritually helpful. Discernment helps people make sense of their internal life – not by suppressing emotion or doubt, but by attending to what brings peace, freedom and love. This, too, is prayer.

Ruth’s years as a spiritual director have taught her that people often carry unhelpful assumptions about what prayer should look like. Many feel that unless they have the right words or a deep sense of connection, they are somehow failing. But as she often reminds retreatants, God is more interested in the relationship than the method. There is no single formula for prayer. It may look like silence, journalling, Scripture meditation, or simply sitting in God’s presence. What matters is the desire to be in relationship – a willingness to show up, honestly, just as we are.

This is particularly true in the context of silent retreats, which Ruth oversees at St Beuno’s. The thought of entering into silence for several days can be daunting, especially for those unfamiliar with the practice. People often arrive worried they will not know how to fill the time, or that they will be overwhelmed by their own thoughts. Ruth acknowledges these fears but makes the reassuring point that structure on retreat and daily meetings with a spiritual director offer gentle guidance. The silence is not a void, but a space in which God can speak more clearly.

Over time, retreatants often discover that prayer is not about effort, but presence. Even when distractions or inner resistance arise, the act of turning up – of being present to God – is, itself, prayer. Ruth emphasises that spiritual growth often happens not in moments of clarity or insight, but in the quiet persistence of simply being with God, trusting that God is already there.

This perspective is profoundly liberating for many. It reframes prayer not as a spiritual test to pass, but as a relationship to nurture; it also opens space for vulnerability. Ruth has found that when people let go of the pressure to perform in prayer, they begin to share themselves wholly with God – including their confusion, fatigue or even anger. And in that honesty, something sacred begins to unfold.

In her role at St Beuno’s, Ruth witnesses the quiet transformation that often happens when people embrace silence, seek guidance and permit themselves to be where they are. Again and again, she sees that prayer is not a matter of getting it right, but of showing up with an open heart. And in that simple act, people often encounter the God who has been waiting for them all along.

At a time when many are seeking spiritual depth but unsure where to begin, the Ignatian tradition offers a gentle and spacious way forward. Through spiritual direction, retreat and the daily practice of discernment, it invites us to rediscover prayer as a relationship, one that does not demand perfection, but welcomes honesty.

To explore these themes further, including reflections on personal prayer, spiritual accompaniment and the experience of silent retreats, you can hear the conversation with Ruth Holgate on the latest episode of the Things I Wish I Knew podcast, titled ‘Things I Wish I Knew About Talking with God’.

Listen to ‘Things I Wish I Knew About Talking with God’; and to get all of our new episodes and catch up on our first series, subscribe now >>

You can follow us on Instagram @tiwik_pod.